I am wondering, have I changed? Have I become a mere a reflection of what I used to be growing up?
I remember my school days when I was so eager to do something big in life, never settle for anything less. But there were things that happened since then. It all started when I moved to Delhi in summer of 1997 to pursue my high school studies. To be very honest, it was one of the most difficult transitions. A transition from a small town of notorious state of Bihar to a cruel, crude and one of the most unforgiving state of Delhi. I was a rural bloke with a sharp brain full of naivety but no sense of personality. I was mocked for my bihari accent, for my crude behavior and for not having any ounce of sophistication. Contrary to my believe, at that time it seemed like these were the basic necessity of life, at least in a city like Delhi. I used to go to school with a constant fear of ridicule which largely affected my studies and and my outlook towards life. At an impressionable age like that it did nothing but fueled my frustration and introvert nature. In addition to that, a constant anxiety of not being able to live up to parents expectation had severe impact, keeping in mind money they were spending on me. Those two years were like an ordeal and I couldn't come out of it. Even my parents saw a downward spiral change in my approach and achievements without going in too much detail. Despite all this I somehow managed to pass 12th standard. Now was the time to shift the gear and make up for the loss time and hence, I decided to take a year off to prepare for IIT entrance exams. Things did seem to change for good. I was focused and was in the process to get back on the track. I cleared my prelims for the engineering exams. However I will be lying if I dont admit that a part of me has started to move away from engineering. I can't say for sure what actually was going on in my mind but I would say for sure that I was slowly losing my interest. The unknown interest was reflected in my failure to get into entrance exams. It was very depressing period. A time where I was not sure of anything and a fear of unknown was lingering in my heart. The only logical things for me to do was to get admitted to a college for my undergraduate studies. A year back I would have never imagined that I would be siting in one of the classrooms of St. Stephen's college, scribbling on white piece of paper, disillusioned and oblivious of everything. First few months were very strange. I felt like I didn't belong here. All of sudden, feeling of failure was creeping in. However, things started to get a little better with time, met new people, found that life doesn't end here. Many things happened in those three years of my college. The first year was an year of self discovery, year when I started to find ground underneath. I started to let myself be, without getting affected by emotions and trivial issues. This really helped me. I vividly remember the day when my friend told me the results of first year. I couldn't believe it. It was like school days back again. I remember mom telling me "itna acha to tumne school exam me bhi nahin kiya" I thought the I was back. Please excuse my hubris words, I was hardworking, focused and I was content. This continued for next three years. After college, I so wanted to go for MBA but soon I realized it wasn't something that I actually wanted, even though I cleared the exams but couldn't qualify the interview round.
Masters was the next thing that happened. To be honest I didn't like the place at all. But then with time I made few friends and two years flew by like anything. I applied for PhD and within few months I was at stony brook beginning a new phase of my life. Knowing I had to prove myself all over again I was out there doing the things that I was good at; working hard. It paid off and people who were outsiders where now my friends. It wasn't as easy it may sound. The course work wasn't that bad the real game started when I began my research. It was pretty darn tough considering I didn't have prior research experience. Only way to tackle it was to work hard, spend all my time in lab. I was immersed in work. I remember for days I used to be in lab doing things. To make things worse, nothing was working. It was extremely frustrating. By the time I found foot in lab, another obstacle came flying. People started cornering me. I don't know why, to be honest till this time I have never understood. At personal level too things were very gloomy. Love break up zindagi....to put in a simple word. After some time when people go through frustration for long they just stop caring and that is when the downward spiraling happened. I wish I could have stopped myself and got a hold of myself. I see Aroop who has done so well for himself and I look at myself. I haven;t achieved much, may be I could have but I didn't. I dont know why am I the way I am and how did I reach here? I should admit I am happy and content but at times I do feel frustrated professionally. I mean I am still stuck here whereas people have moved on to find something good professionally. It goes without saying that I am to be blamed for all this but I think I am doing everything that I can do. You know what actually pains the most; people telling me-"oh you are still stuck here"
However, at personal level I am happy. I just take some peace in thinking that "this isn't the end of world !!"
I remember my school days when I was so eager to do something big in life, never settle for anything less. But there were things that happened since then. It all started when I moved to Delhi in summer of 1997 to pursue my high school studies. To be very honest, it was one of the most difficult transitions. A transition from a small town of notorious state of Bihar to a cruel, crude and one of the most unforgiving state of Delhi. I was a rural bloke with a sharp brain full of naivety but no sense of personality. I was mocked for my bihari accent, for my crude behavior and for not having any ounce of sophistication. Contrary to my believe, at that time it seemed like these were the basic necessity of life, at least in a city like Delhi. I used to go to school with a constant fear of ridicule which largely affected my studies and and my outlook towards life. At an impressionable age like that it did nothing but fueled my frustration and introvert nature. In addition to that, a constant anxiety of not being able to live up to parents expectation had severe impact, keeping in mind money they were spending on me. Those two years were like an ordeal and I couldn't come out of it. Even my parents saw a downward spiral change in my approach and achievements without going in too much detail. Despite all this I somehow managed to pass 12th standard. Now was the time to shift the gear and make up for the loss time and hence, I decided to take a year off to prepare for IIT entrance exams. Things did seem to change for good. I was focused and was in the process to get back on the track. I cleared my prelims for the engineering exams. However I will be lying if I dont admit that a part of me has started to move away from engineering. I can't say for sure what actually was going on in my mind but I would say for sure that I was slowly losing my interest. The unknown interest was reflected in my failure to get into entrance exams. It was very depressing period. A time where I was not sure of anything and a fear of unknown was lingering in my heart. The only logical things for me to do was to get admitted to a college for my undergraduate studies. A year back I would have never imagined that I would be siting in one of the classrooms of St. Stephen's college, scribbling on white piece of paper, disillusioned and oblivious of everything. First few months were very strange. I felt like I didn't belong here. All of sudden, feeling of failure was creeping in. However, things started to get a little better with time, met new people, found that life doesn't end here. Many things happened in those three years of my college. The first year was an year of self discovery, year when I started to find ground underneath. I started to let myself be, without getting affected by emotions and trivial issues. This really helped me. I vividly remember the day when my friend told me the results of first year. I couldn't believe it. It was like school days back again. I remember mom telling me "itna acha to tumne school exam me bhi nahin kiya" I thought the I was back. Please excuse my hubris words, I was hardworking, focused and I was content. This continued for next three years. After college, I so wanted to go for MBA but soon I realized it wasn't something that I actually wanted, even though I cleared the exams but couldn't qualify the interview round.
Masters was the next thing that happened. To be honest I didn't like the place at all. But then with time I made few friends and two years flew by like anything. I applied for PhD and within few months I was at stony brook beginning a new phase of my life. Knowing I had to prove myself all over again I was out there doing the things that I was good at; working hard. It paid off and people who were outsiders where now my friends. It wasn't as easy it may sound. The course work wasn't that bad the real game started when I began my research. It was pretty darn tough considering I didn't have prior research experience. Only way to tackle it was to work hard, spend all my time in lab. I was immersed in work. I remember for days I used to be in lab doing things. To make things worse, nothing was working. It was extremely frustrating. By the time I found foot in lab, another obstacle came flying. People started cornering me. I don't know why, to be honest till this time I have never understood. At personal level too things were very gloomy. Love break up zindagi....to put in a simple word. After some time when people go through frustration for long they just stop caring and that is when the downward spiraling happened. I wish I could have stopped myself and got a hold of myself. I see Aroop who has done so well for himself and I look at myself. I haven;t achieved much, may be I could have but I didn't. I dont know why am I the way I am and how did I reach here? I should admit I am happy and content but at times I do feel frustrated professionally. I mean I am still stuck here whereas people have moved on to find something good professionally. It goes without saying that I am to be blamed for all this but I think I am doing everything that I can do. You know what actually pains the most; people telling me-"oh you are still stuck here"
However, at personal level I am happy. I just take some peace in thinking that "this isn't the end of world !!"
