Have I changed?

I am wondering, have I changed? Have I become a mere a reflection of what I used to be growing up?

I remember my school days when I was so eager to do something big in life, never settle for anything less. But there were things that happened since then. It all started when I moved to Delhi in summer of 1997 to pursue my high school studies. To be very honest, it was one of the most difficult transitions. A transition from a small town of notorious state of Bihar to a cruel, crude and one of the most unforgiving state of Delhi. I was a rural bloke with a sharp brain full of naivety but no sense of personality. I was mocked for my bihari accent, for my crude behavior and for not having any ounce of sophistication. Contrary to my believe, at that time it seemed like these were the basic necessity of life, at least in a city like Delhi. I used to go to school with a constant fear of ridicule which largely affected my studies and and my outlook towards life. At an impressionable age like that it did nothing but fueled my frustration and introvert nature. In addition to that, a constant anxiety of not being able to live up to parents expectation had severe impact, keeping in mind money they were spending on me. Those two years were like an ordeal and I couldn't come out of it. Even my parents saw a downward spiral change in my approach and achievements without going in too much detail. Despite all this I somehow managed to pass 12th standard. Now was the time to shift the gear and make up for the loss time and hence, I decided to take a year off to prepare for IIT entrance exams. Things did seem to change for good. I was focused and was in the process to get back on the track. I cleared my prelims for the engineering exams. However I will be lying if I dont admit that a part of me has started to move away from engineering. I can't say for sure what actually was going on in my mind but I would say for sure that I was slowly losing my interest. The unknown interest was reflected in my failure to get into entrance exams. It was very depressing period. A time where I was not sure of anything and a fear of unknown was lingering in my heart. The only logical things for me to do was to get admitted to a college for my undergraduate studies. A year back I would have never imagined that I would be siting in one of the classrooms of St. Stephen's college, scribbling on white piece of paper, disillusioned and oblivious of everything. First few months were very strange. I felt like I didn't belong here. All of sudden, feeling of failure was creeping in. However, things started to get a little better with time, met new people, found that life doesn't end here. Many things happened in those three years of my college. The first year was an year of self discovery, year when I started to find ground underneath. I started to let myself be, without getting affected by emotions and trivial issues. This really helped me. I vividly remember the day when my friend told me the results of first year. I couldn't believe it. It was like school days back again. I remember mom telling me "itna acha to tumne school exam me bhi nahin kiya"  I thought the I was back. Please excuse my hubris words, I was hardworking, focused and I was content. This continued for next three years. After college, I so wanted to go for MBA but soon I realized it wasn't something that I actually wanted, even though I cleared the exams but couldn't qualify the interview round.

Masters was the next thing that happened. To be honest I didn't like the place at all. But then with time I made few friends and two years flew by like anything. I applied for PhD and within few months I was at stony brook beginning a new phase of my life. Knowing I had to prove myself all over again I was out there doing the things that I was good at; working hard. It paid off and people who were outsiders where now my friends. It wasn't as easy it may sound. The course work wasn't that bad the real game started when I began my research. It was pretty darn tough considering I didn't have prior research experience. Only way to tackle it was to work hard, spend all my time in lab. I was immersed in work. I remember for days I used to be in lab doing things. To make things worse, nothing was working. It was extremely frustrating. By the time I found foot in lab, another obstacle came flying. People started cornering me. I don't know why, to be honest till this time I have never understood. At personal level too things were very gloomy. Love break up zindagi....to put in a simple word. After some time when people go through frustration for long they just stop caring and that is when the downward spiraling happened. I wish I could have stopped myself and got a hold of myself. I see Aroop who has done so well for himself and I look at myself. I haven;t achieved much, may be I could have but I didn't. I dont know why am I the way I am and how did I reach here? I should admit I am happy and content but at times I do feel frustrated professionally. I mean I am still stuck here whereas people have moved on to find something good professionally. It goes without saying that I am to be blamed for all this but I think I am doing everything that I can do. You know what actually pains the most; people telling me-"oh you are still stuck here"

However, at personal level I am happy. I just take some peace in thinking that "this isn't the end of world !!"

Here it Begins!!!

Finally it has begun. Being in this moment when I look back in times, especially to the time when things were bleak and mundane, nothing comes to my mind but appreciation. A sense of gratitude for what I have and a profound sense of responsibility to keep it with me for the rest of my life. When I close my eyes and bend down I ask for nothing but the strength to maintain it. I am happy and safe. When my arms are around you I feel at home. A state of "Bliss" and "Peace" prevails around me.

Spring...

Spiritual Sunday!!

 Finally, I got  a chance to visit the Ganesha Temple in Flushing. It was a great experience; serene and spiritual. To be honest, even though I rarely go to temples, given an opportunity I love the smell and the feel of being in temple. After temple, I visited their famous canteen, very well known for south indian food. So I devoured on dosa and mango lassi and got packed Dahi Vada to go. I would have liked to hang out longer in the city but poor weather left me with no choice but to get back to Stony Brook.

The week that was!!

Movies:

Must say Kahani was such a great surprise. Sujoy Ghosh started off his career with Jhankar Beats which garnered rave reviews. However, he sort of lost his touch with what came after that, piece of junk to be very honest. So I was kind of not very hopeful about his new movie Kahani. But the only thing that kept me interested was Vidya Balan. And I am glad I watched it. Vidya is the new hero of bollywood and Sujoy has found his lost mojo. Tight script, edgy direction, superb cast and beautiful Kolakata add up to give us a thrilling movie. It reminds me of another less known thriller Samay.

Finally spring is here. I am loving it.

However there were couple of days of foggy morning which reminded me of Delhi winter. The only thing that was missing was Balbir da dhaba and it would have taken me back to DU days.

Randomness of Life!!!

 H'Dog Bites

 Valentine's Day (Courtesy Daisy)

 Honestly speaking at times even this doesnt work.

 Never tried this though!!

Onion Pakoda's (Yummmmmy!!!)

My favorite Calvin & Hobbes

Subtle Anger

Aaah...a lazy afternoon..I wish there were ugly midgets dressed in gaudy clothes doing a Mithun dance steps on Bappi Da's music...probably the horrors of the sight would have made me move to lab and work...however I can only wish and there are no midgets.

Random thoughts have kept me occupied, just like a fish who is busy deciding whether to stop or keep eating. So the correlation is food and food for thought...aah what a misery!!! Am i even making any sense???? Anyways who cares. My brother is having his board exams and it seems like along with him entire family is taking exams. Worried about his exams, how will he do and what's in store. Come to think of the kids facing the enormous pressure, I feel extremely blessed to grow up in a time when these exams and numbers were not this much of a big deal. Now even if you get 100 % you aren't sure whether you are gonna get what you aspired for. What a shame and what a ridiculous environment to grow your kids where at every moment they are expected to do things which will keep them in race rather to do what will make them happy. This is what we want for our kids; to become a part of herd ? No individuality no love and passion for anything but grades? I am simply  amazed by the account of kids committing suicides and feeling depressed and feared at the thought of failure. I thought people learn more from mistakes than from doing it correctly. My brother didnt do too well in his last exam and its nothing but obvious that he was very depressed. Its okie to be sad but what angered me the most was when he asked me if he will be able to get admission in a decent college. At such a young age for someone to feel this much pressure is inhuman to say the least. Some would say that this would make them stronger but at what cost! Are we willing to make their every step miserable just so that they can be stronger? Absolutely nonsensical argument ! its easy for us to say all this. Life is about living it without  fear of any kind and after all its their life and we don't have any say in how they want to live it. Let them fall, make mistakes, realize the importance of success in their own way and I am sure they will appreciate life more. Don't make them live your life rather let them live theri own life and we should be there to guide them when its needed. Balance and freedom are important and they should be accepted and appreciated by everyone of us.

I hope time changes!

Subtle anger has subsided for the time being!!!!

What would you do if.......?

So back in the days I used to wander a lot.Thinking about randomness of the life and letting my mind float to the eternity. After a long hiatus, here I was letting myself dig deeper into the realms of questions: questions that would put anybody to think. And here are some for you:

What would you do if you are given one last chance to revisit one moment from your past?
What would you do if you have only sweetness around you when you are in the mood to have something spicy?
What would you do if you have to just think of only one thing for next 24 hours?
What would you do if you find out that the reality is dream and dream is the real life?
What would you do if every tomorrow is exact copy of yesterday for next one month?
What would you do if you had to chose between your girlfriend and your friends?
What would you do if you are suddenly among strangers?
What would you do if you meet someone who is actually you?
What would you do if you are left behind alone and all your friends have moved on with their life?
What would you do if you had a chance to hold on to something, something that's very important?

What would you do if.......?

What a life!!!

"You live a life, a hard life, a life where you make many mistakes but try to learn from it and make yourself a better person. But take my word, people are not going to remember you for all the good things you did but for all the mistakes you made. So the question we should be asking ourselves is why the hell do we need to even worry about correcting the mistakes."

I don't know if I necessarily agree with this sentiment but its definitely a "Food for Thought".